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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Day 92. 

The beginning to the end of our daunting national problem is at hand.  Republicans approved Tom Price to be the next head of the Health and Human Services Department.  This proves their determination to correct something very wrong in the country.  They have known for the last seven years what the real problem facing our country really is.  And, it is way out of control.  Too many people in our country have health care insurance.

Think about it, our uninsured rate has fallen to about 10 percent.  What the hell is going on here?  How can the richest country in the world actually believe they should not lead the developed world in having the highest uninsured rate in the world?

But, you don’t have to worry anymore about this dismal problem that is dragging down our society.  Republicans are on a mission to fix this terrible problem.  They have approved an unethical, inside trading doctor to be our next Secretary of Health and Human Services.

The first thing to help alleviate this problem will be to repeal the Affordable Care Act.  Forget that the majority of the people don’t want it repealed, Price and his cronies know it cannot continue or we won’t be able to raise the uninsured rate and obviously the American People aren’t really paying attention to this dire problem.

If you have a preexisting condition, don’t worry, they are going to make sure you have “access” to “high risk pools” that will cover you and it will only cost you about 2 to 3 times as much as you pay now.  Price loves this idea and put it in his plan that he wrote in 2015.

Of course we will rescind the mandates so women’s health care is taken away.  Who cares if a woman has health care that only affects them?  Why should the rest of us care if they have the right coverage.  If they want things like birth control, they should pay through their nose for it.  Hello, everyone knows that just being a woman means you have a pre-existing condition.  They are only women and who cares what they thing?  They should just shut up and listen to their husbands.  If they don’t have a husband, they are obviously losers.

Then we will make sure insurance companies don’t waste money covering those abominable “gays”.  Unless they are willing to go through “conversion therapy”.  We all know they are an abomination, so why should we cover their health care?

Another thing that will be cut or eliminated to help the problem is Medicaid.  Too many people are taking advantage of Medicaid in order to have health care insurance.  There were some brave, bold, and wonderful states like Texas who fought against expanding this give away.  And, they are the shining city on the hill to show just how to keep your uninsured rate the highest in the country.

Needless to say Price and the rest of the Republicans believe that is the perfect model that all states should follow.  That way we can reduce the number of people insured without having to do very much.  But, that will be just the start.

In order to really make an impact, you have to give states “block grants” to spend on Medicaid as they see fit.  If they decide not to spend it on health care for the poor, even better.  That way the uninsured rate will really go up.

Then of course, we have to do something about those useless, mooching, takers – the old people.  How dare they expect that all of the taxes they paid for their Medicare coverage actually give them that coverage?  Who the hell do they think they are – Andrew By God Jackson?

These lazy old people who didn’t become rich in their lifetimes really hurt the uninsured rate.  They actually believe that they have a right to live longer and enjoy their retirement.  They actually believe the society should actually “take care” of their sorry asses.  Well, Price and Republicans have the fix.  After all, they don’t do anything useful anymore like working for minimum wage for 40 years so the CEOs can make billions off their labor.

They are going to tell the old farts that they will only get a voucher when they are eligible for Medicare.  Of course the voucher won’t cover the full cost of their insurance.  Of course their out-of-pocket costs will go up.  What do they expect?  They are old and have pre-existing conditions.  They really belong in the high risk pool with the highest premiums.

Just think of it.  If we can cut off as many old people from their insurance, they will die off faster and we won’t have as much of a problem with that other give away, Social Security.  If we can get rid of that useless give away, we can really save more money for bigger tax cuts to the rich.

Just think of the huge tax breaks for the rich we can give if we can do away with Medicaid and Medicare.  They are the only people who count.  Especially those rich ones who give Republicans insider trader information to further enrich themselves and huge secret donations to their campaigns so they can keep getting elected.

So, under Price we can expect our uninsured rate problem to be repaired.  First we will repeal the Affordable Care act and that will mean at least 18 million people will lose their health care insurance.  Then we will block grant Medicaid and ensure that even more millions lose their health care.  Then we will voucherize Medicare and that will mean all those old bastards will lose their insurance too.

If Price and Republicans do their job correctly, we should be able to take that measly 10 percent of uninsured Americans and raise it back up to 20 to 30 percent where it belongs.  Hell, if we do this right maybe we can break the magical 50 percent mark.  How great would that be?

So, you see, there is no reason to worry.  Republicans and Price will make sure we lead the world again.  They will make sure that only wealthy people have health insurance.  We don’t need “death panels” we only need to take away peoples’ health care and they will die naturally.

See, we are on the threshold of a brave new world that can only happen in America.  What a country!

 

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Over the weekend, we had some more terrorist attacks.  There was an explosion in New Jersey from a pipe bomb and an explosion in New York that injured 29 people.  When Trump got off his plane in Florida on Saturday evening, he said there was a bombing.

On Monday, when the explosion was indeed called a bombing, he called his favorite party network Fox News and boasted that “I called it.”  He even said that “I should be a reporter”.

His pals at Faux News had a good hoot over that comment.  Then he went on to talk about doing away with Due Process which is guaranteed in the Constitution and that we should start “racial profiling” which is against the Constitution.

Unfortunately, he is missing the most egregious act of terrorism that no one is talking about.  This part of the ISIS plot is so ingenious in its complexity that no one could even imagine anyone could come up with it.

This is a plot that makes them invisible whenever it happens.  It is something that can never be traced back to them.  It is also something that is purely evil in its intent and practice.

This is something that I really believe that Mr. Trump should send an investigator to find out the truth and figure out a way to stop it.  If he doesn’t, we are going to lose thousands upon thousands of our citizens.

My sources tell me that this devious plot is being formed in western Iraq.  That is a brilliant move because the plot requires lots of water and western Iraq is a desert which means no on will look for it there.

Here is the plot.  ISIS has built large salt water tanks in western Iraq.  They have stocked these tanks with sharks.  What they are doing is training these sharks to attack non-Muslims.  They claim that the diets of Muslims is different so they have a different smell  from the infidels.

What happens is the sharks are placed in an electronic collar.  Sharks have incredible sense of smell.  So  ISIS throws prisoners into the tanks.  If the sharks attack a Muslim, they give it a big electric shock.  Once the sharks have proven they will only attack non-Muslims, they are transporting them in ships from Iraq to the East Coast and West Coast of the United States.  The ships stop about 3 miles off shore and release the sharks.

The sharks then head to the beaches of our shores and attack our non-Muslim citizens.  If you think this is silly, remember that shark attacks on U.S. beaches has grown significantly since the rise of ISIS.

Just the other day three people were attacked by a shark in just 3 hours.  This is the most devious plot by a terrorist organization that has every been developed.

I cannot think of anything more terrifying than being eaten by a shark.  That is truly terrorism at its best.  And ISIS has discovered a way to make such an attack at our shores.

Yes, ISIS really is dangerous beyond belief.  They are the worst “bad guys” the world has ever seen.  We must wipe them out along with all of their trained sharks.  We should have patrols on the oceans looking for sharks and killing every single one of them since we won’t know which ones were ISIS trained.

If this all sounds ridiculous to you, you are correct.  I made it up.  But, if you believe in what Donald Trump says in regards to terrorism, you must believe that this plot is going on right now.

That is the world according to Donald Trump.  Fantasy is the only thing he understands and lies are the only things that comes out of his mouth.  Do you really think he should be President?

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As Republicans would say, “what climate change?  It is all a hoax!”  They claim that 97 percent of the world’s scientists got together one day and decided to play a trick on all of us.  They were going to tell the world that the temperature of the planet is warming and that all hell will break loose.

Once they put out their fairy tale, they all sat back and had a good laugh.  No one would really believe this stupidity anyway.  Since then, Republicans have been telling us of this hoax.  They said that everything is just fine and that these lying “liberal” scientists are just trying to ruin our economy.

Well, guess what?  The Republicans have something to point to to prove their point.  They now have the evidence that they have been looking to get to prove that everyone fell for this miserable April Fool’s Day joke by these “liberal” scientists.  The proof of this horrendous hoax we have all swallowed is in the Solomon Islands.

At least five islands there have plunged completely below the ocean’s surface over the past several decades. Numerous others in the South Pacific island nation appear to be headed for a similar fate, a new study has found.  This “global sea-level rise hotspot“ has seen ocean levels rise 7-10 mm per year — three times the global average, according to the study.

Simon Albert of the University of Queensland led a team that analyzed aerial and satellite imagery of 33 islands dating back to 1947 for their study, published in the journal Environmental Research Letters. They found that five — Kale, Rapita, Rehana, Kakatina and Zollies — along the northern coast of Isabel island have vanished, most of them as early as 2002. Six others, including the inhabited island of Nuatambu, are “experiencing severe shoreline recession.”

The authors wrote in an article published in The Conversation:

These islands lost to the sea range in size from [2.5 to 12 acres].  They supported dense tropical vegetation that was at least 300 years old. Nuatambu Island, home to 25 families, has lost more than half of its habitable area, with 11 houses washed into the sea since 2011.

Forcing residents of small villages from their homes is one thing.  The study notes that Taro, the capital of Choiseul Province, is “set to become the first provincial capital globally to relocate residents and services due to the threat of sea-level rise.”

In addition, sea level rises are also affecting the Marshall Islands.  But, you don’t have to worry about that.  It is probably happening because some UFO is making these islands disappear as another joke on us.  That must be the real explanation for these “sinking” of islands.

Still, in Alaska, home to that great statesman Sarah Pain and one of the biggest science deniers, climate change already affects more than 180 villages, with the Yupik community of Newtok among the hardest hit. And in Louisiana, home to the failed Republican Candidate and former Governor Bobby Jindal, another science denier, a Native American tribe was forced to flee its home on the Isle de Jean Charles, becoming among the first communities of climate refugees in the U.S.  And, islands are shrinking in the Chesapeake Bay.

Finally, fifteen of the hottest years on record occurred in the last 16 years, including 2015 topping the charts from 2014 which beat out 2013 which beat out 2102, etc.  But, remember that has nothing to do with climate change.  And, of course all of the carbon that man is putting into the atmosphere has nothing to do with the temperatures getting warmer either.

So, you see.  Here is the proof.  Climate change is definitely a hoax.  You have nothing to worry about.  The climate is not changing.  Temperatures are not getting warmer.  Arctic ice is not melting at record levels causing sea levels to rise significantly.  And no one is being affected by any of this bullshit.  It is all a hoax.  Those wacky scientist really pulled one over on us, huh.

But, then again, if you own beachfront property along the coasts, you might want to consider dumping it now before real estate prices plunge.  But, remember, those prices won’t plunge because sea levels are rising and flooding out your property.  No, they will plummet because of “liberal” policies that hurt property values.  Just look at this “absolute” proof the Republicans have been looking to show you to prove it is all a hoax.  Nothing to worry about!

 

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I know I have written several times about these laws being discriminatory.  However, as you all know, when I discover I made a mistake, I am willing to say so.  Maybe, I have made a mistake here.  Maybe we should be thanking Indiana and Arkansas for pointing out just how much our religious liberties have been trashed by governments everywhere.

At first I always wondered why it was okay for a baker, for example, to refuse to serve same-sex couples and still serve adulterers.  A florist in Georgia set me straight on that one.  She said it was okay because “they were different kinds of sin.”  Wow, I never thought of that!

Apparently, I never picked up on the lessons in religion where we are allowed to choose which sins we won’t tolerate to honor “Jesus who died on the cross for us” as the same florist says.  Somehow, I came out of those classes believing that sin was sin.  I also remember those teachers telling me that you can go to hell for lying just as much as murdering someone.  Maybe they never heard that we are allowed to choose the sins we don’t like either.

But, even more importantly, these laws do open up a whole lot of things that have been considered taboo in this country.  For starters, what about polygamy?  Both the Mormons and Muslims believe that men are allowed to have more than one wife.  The Muslim faith says a man can “have no more than four wives.”

The Mormons don’t put a number on how many they can have.  And, remember, according to Mormons, they are the only ones who will be able to have sex in heaven.  The rest of us are out of luck on that one.

When the backlash to these laws started, conservative critics said that we need to know what is in the law.  Both laws say “the state shall not substantially burden a person or business religious practice unless it can prove that doing so “(1) is in furtherance of a compelling governmental interest; and (2) is the least restrictive means of furthering that compelling governmental interest.”

I don’t see how a government can prove a compelling governmental interest in outlawing polygamy.  If all parties are adults and agree to polygamy, that should be enough to allow it.  Besides, most of the characters in the Bible that Christians like to honor had multiple wives!  Polygamy was a fact of life in those days.

Even abortion is now covered by this law as being legal.  If a woman states that her religious beliefs say it is okay for her to have an abortion, and the doctor providing it can say his religious beliefs say it is okay to provide the abortion, what possible “compelling governmental interest” is there to stop the abortion from taking place?  That would be placing a “substantial burden” on the individual’s religious practices.

Almost all religions that I have studied say the marriage is for life.  Remember those religious vows that you take that say “until death do us part?”  According to these laws, anyone who disagrees with divorce and remarriage will have the right to deny service to anyone who falls into this category as well.  That is very unlikely because if florists and caterers and bakers exclude divorced people, they would probably go bankrupt since that is the majority of their wedding business.

Even same-sex marriage is now legal in these states no matter what the Supreme Court finally rules.  If two people believe that their religious beliefs do not prohibit them getting married, then the state has no “compelling governmental interest” in refusing a marriage license to them without creating a “substantial burden” on their religious practices.

These are just four examples to show just how liberating these laws really are.  We didn’t even know that we have had our religious beliefs trampled on.  We never knew that an ardent catholic could refuse to take photos at a wedding of a divorced person before.  We never knew that the ban on polygamy was really our liberties being trampled on.  We never knew that bans on abortion were trampling on our religious liberties.  We never knew that it was always illegal for the government to refuse to recognize same-sex marriages.

These laws, like so many around the country, are a godsend.  Now, we can do whatever we want in the name of “religious liberty” and the government has no right to “substantially burden” us with any law that disagrees with those beliefs.

So as you can see, we should be thanking the legislatures and governors of Arkansas and Indiana for their bravery in opening up this whole new world full of liberties we never knew we had.  On the other hand, how much do you wanna bet that the Christian Cult who introduced these laws never thought of all of this!

 

 

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We really know that the 2016 Presidential Election cycle is underway.  Candidates are beginning to form their own PACs to get ready for a run, Rep. King held his Iowa Freedom Summit, and the Koch Brothers have announced that they plan to spend $900 Million on the 2016 campaign cycle.

Remember, the Koch Brothers and their PAC are not the only players in the game either.  There is of course Citizens United, Conservative Victory Fund, National Conservative Political Action Committee, the NRA, and a host of others.  I am sure that each of them will add significantly to the money to be spent.

All of these conservative PACs were invented to purchase politicians in the first place.  Now, they are even going so far as to say how much money is up for grabs well before the election cycle officially opens.

With all of this money around for Politicians to take advantage of, I thought it would be nice of me to offer some suggestions on how much conservatives should charge these groups for their votes.  After all, if we are going to be selling our elections why not have a Price Tag on each vote?

I have only included figures for federal elections.  The columns run House, Senate, President.  The House and Senate may be different only because of the length of their terms.

  • Support Anti-Abortion and Anti-Birth Control
  • $10M           $15M             $25M
  • Eliminate Minimum Wage
  • $11M            $18M            $30M
  • Allow Export Of American Crude Oil
  • $15M           $20M            $40M
  • Sign Pledge Not To Raise Taxes On Wealthy
  • $20M          $30M            $45M
  • Privatize Social Security
  • $30M          $40M           $50M
  • Privatize Medicare
  • $30M          $40M           $50M
  • Eliminate Obamacare Replace It With Nothing
  • $45M          $55M            $60M
  • Permanently Shut Down EPA
  • $65M          $70M           $75M
  • Permanently Shut Down Department Of Education
  • $45M          $50M           $50M
  • Permanently Shut Down OSHA
  • $45M          $50M           $50M
  • Eliminate Immigration For All Non-Whites
  • $60M          $65M           $80M
  • Eliminate And Privatize Public Education
  • $20M          $25M           $25M
  • Eliminate Food Stamps But Increase Farm Subsidies
  • $20M          $25M           $25M
  • Pass Law Banning Unions As Communist
  • $50M          $55M           $60M
  • Ban Same-Sex Marriage
  • $55M          $60M          $65M
  • Eliminate Need For Gun Licensing
  • $60M          $70M          $75M
  • Overturn The Civil Rights Act
  • $40M         $50M          $65M

I am sure that you can think of other issues that could be on this list like tougher voter suppression laws or outlawing and deporting all Muslims.  But this is at least a start.  Plus, PACs can pick-and-choose which issue needs the most support in a particular state or region.

Isn’t “Democracy For Sale” a wonderful capitalist concept?

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Every two years we hold national elections on the first Tuesday in November.  I always wondered why that day was picked.  In recent years, I thought that we should move election day to October 31 regardless of what day it falls on.  Yes, we should hold our national elections on Halloween.

Let’s just think about this for a minute.  What better day to hold an election?  We are constantly shown our elected officials with their $300 haircuts, $1,000 suits, and $400 wing tip shoes.  They carefully, or at least have an aide carefully put on their American Flag pin on the lapel.  Before going on camera they probably visit the dentist for a cleaning so when they open their mouths their pearly whites gleam in the lights.  Yes, the ladies have their costumes as well, but in honesty I don’t know what those costs are.  This crosses party lines too.  There have been many times I look at the TV and see these politicians and the first thought that comes to mind is a used car salesman.  I know that is really cruel to used car salesmen.

So, they dress up in their costumes and pretend to really care about us.  They want us to vote for them based on vague promises and even vaguer slogans.  Problem is, they are usually funded by dark money where the donors are kept secret so we don’t know what the actual agenda is.  But, if we listen very carefully to them, and not just the 20 second sound bites the media is famous for, we can hear the really scary things they are saying.

On election day, we go to the polls and cast our ballots.  We vote for the candidate that we believe will actually represent the people and not special interest groups.  Though deep inside we usually know better.  Which means that every election day we are rolling the dice that the right people, those with a real intent to represent their constituents, will actually get elected.

But, keeping in line with Halloween, we don’t know if we are electing someone with integrity or if we are actually voting for the political version of a chain saw homicidal maniac.  So, sometimes we look like those people in a TV ad that shows how people in horror movies make dumb decisions.  Sometimes our choices become the one between getting in the running car and driving the hell out of there or hiding behind the chain saws.

The ultra-conservatives running in this years election make me feel like we may very well choose hiding behind the chain saws.  They are trying to make this election something less than actually governing.  They are trying to take the country back to 1890.  That is why in the last few elections you have heard things like “Legitimate rape”, “I’m proud of my outsourcing”, “Men are more often the victims in rape cases”, “Birth control is really abortion”,  Climate change is a hoax perpetrated by commie scientists”,  and other such stupid things.

Conservatives claim to be for “protecting the ballot box” with their Voter ID laws, which are really voter suppression laws.  But, they don’t seem to have the same fear for the “absentee ballot”.  Where are the protections to ensure that the person actually sending in the ballot filled it out themselves and it wasn’t filled out for them?  Or, maybe someone else entirely filled it out without the person knowing about it.  There is a far better chance of Voter Fraud being committed using absentee ballots than in person voting.  Heck, for all we know people like Governor Walker’s staff, who is in a very tight race and may lose, may be filling out a bunch of absentee ballots as we speak.

Every election cycle, the ultra-conservatives have something to bring up to really scare people.  Their usual standard is the “open borders” that will allow terrorists to come and kill you in your sleep.  This time around they now have Ebola.  Which of course, terrorists will infect themselves with,  cross the open border with Mexico just to spread the disease and wipe us all out.

See, these aren’t things that necessarily fall into the crazy category.  They are things that fall into the scary Halloween theme.  The object is to scare everyone to death and then hope they vote for you on election day.  That is why I think we should move our election day to Halloween.  Why waste such a good holiday just on children having fun?  We can actually scare ourselves to death with our choices on who should run the country.

Of course, those Voter ID laws will not allow us to dress up before voting, and that would take a lot of the fun out of it.

 

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Now I get it!  If you are heterosexual and married, your marriage is doomed!  Remember that.  Every single heterosexual marriage is completely doomed.  If you are heterosexual and are planning to get married, you may as well give up now and cancel all of your wedding plans.  Your marriage is doomed before it gets started.

These are the facts!  Nothing can change them!  What is causing all of these doomed marriages?  Adultery, you ask?  No.  Poverty, you ask?  No.  Abusive home, you ask?  No.  The real culprit is same-sex marriage!!  That’s right, same-sex marriage is totally destroying heterosexual marriage.  There can be no more denying it.  If you live in one of those un-American 17 states and District of Columbia where same-sex marriage is “legal” you might as well schedule your divorce right now.

Don’t believe me?  The far right-wing has proven its point.  Just look at all of the states (33 of them) who ban same-sex marriage.  They obviously have seen through the conspiracy of those LGBT wackos.  These people don’t want equality, they want to destroy every heterosexual marriage in existence!

In Indiana, the Senate just passed a “constitutional amendment” to ban same-sex marriage in the state.  They already have a law that bans same-sex marriage, but figure a constitutional amendment will make it harder to fight in court.  The primary reason to ban same-sex marriage?  “We need to defend traditional, heterosexual marriage!”

Not to be outdone, the state of Kansas is trying to pass a law that if the same-sex marriage ban in their state is overturned, then private businesses like restaurants, hotels and other businesses will be able to ban same-sex couples from utilizing their establishments for parties, overnight stays, etc.  All they have to do is claim they have religious beliefs against serving the general public who may be gay!

I must have missed something in my research.  According to these fine “liberty loving” people, if we don’t stop these same-sex marriages, “traditional marriage” is going away!  Did any of the states that passed laws recognizing same-sex marriage outlaw heterosexual marriage?  Has anyone in these states even proposed anything like that?

I guess I will need to dig out the legislation of these un-American states to see where they have banned heterosexual marriage.  I never saw anything like that in the press.  Not even on the Foreign Owned Xenophobic News network.  That surely is an oversight on their part.  They would surely scream about such unlawfulness.

We are extremely lucky to have such arm-chair patriots standing up for our rights.  The very same people who have been crying in their beer that the President is being unlawful are now passing legislation to legally discriminate against people on religious grounds.  The same people who claim to be “libertarians” or “defenders of the constitution” are passing laws to ensure these LGBT conspirators are denied their civil rights!

Yes, we are so lucky to have such dedicated patriots who are tirelessly working to keep America homogenized.  What would we become without them?  Without their diligence, we just might become a free nation that offers civil rights protection to all of our citizens not just the “chosen” ones.  God forbid that ever happens!

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