I finally get it. I humbly offer my Republican friends an apology. I may even go so far as to apologize to the Tea Party, but that may be a mea culpa too far. All this time, I figured that the Republicans are against equal rights. Especially when it comes to pay. I humbly admit I was wrong.
The Republicans have a great plan for the future of our country. Under their plan, there won’t be any “class warfare”. There won’t be any envy. There won’t be any discrimination against any race, color, creed, or sexual orientation. There will be equal pay for all working class Americans.
Why didn’t I see this before? Why didn’t I realize that they just want to even the playing field for everyone. Their policies are aimed at this equality, and it won’t require socialism to achieve it either. The market will set pay for everyone. It will set education levels for everyone. It will solve all of our problems in one swell swoop.
Why these crafty Republicans didn’t open up about their wonderful plan is a mystery to me. If they had, Mitt Romney might have been president. They may actually control both houses of congress. They might actually have achieved the power they all crave. But, they must have made a horrible mistake somewhere along the way, because most of us just didn’t get it.
If you are still having trouble seeing their plan, here is how it will work.
- If you are white, rich, and Christian Conservative, your children will get the best education available. They will be allowed to go to private schools under “vouchers” paid for by taxes. That way, they will be able to maintain their status. Everyone else will be sent to underfunded public schools. It will be all they need.
- If you are wealthy, one of the makers, you will have your taxes cut in half. You won’t have to pay any more, because all of those annoying safety-nets will be radically cut or eliminated. Besides they won’t be needed. Their plan will ensure full employment for everyone.
- If you are a woman, you can do anything you want. As long as the “man” in your life says it is okay. But, don’t even think about contraceptives, abortion, or being a CEO of a company. A woman’s place is in the home taking care of the “man’s” children. If you are a single woman, you can work as a secretary or some other menial position like maid or nanny until you get married.
- If you are LBGTQ, you will either be refused work, or you will have to take a position similar to women. If you are an immigrant, you will have to “go back to where you came from”.
- If you are a senior, you better have planned better for your retirement because Social Security will be slashed. But, to be fair, we will give you a small stipend so you can buy health insurance on the private market. With no guaranties of coverage, of course.
- Here is the best part. Everyone who works for a living will receive the exact same pay as everyone else. There is no reason why companies can’t create new jobs and ensure full employment. Everyone will make minimum wage! That way, no one can claim a man is making more than a woman. No one can say that race is a factor. Yes, equal pay for everyone. Plus, employers won’t have to supply any costly mandates like health insurance.
What a wonderful society the Republicans have planned for America. Think about it. No one will be able to complain that someone else who works for a living will have more than they do. No one will have to go through bothersome law suits to get fair treatment at work. It will be a wonderful utopia for all! How could we not vote for something as wonderful as that?